I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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