Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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