Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
