It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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