I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize