remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
