Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This is classic penis vs brain.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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