I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
