I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize