Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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