im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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