So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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