I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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