My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
