no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
