Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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