Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
