how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
