Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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