She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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