Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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