NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
