Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
