we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
