I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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