Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
