I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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