he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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