How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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