Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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