I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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