I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
