if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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