I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
