someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
