I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
