I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
