Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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