I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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