If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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