Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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