You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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