okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
