oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
