I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
