I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I will be naked everywhere
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize