So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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