his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
this just has baby written all over it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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