Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize