just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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