I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
