I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
