Just cropdusted the office
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
