The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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