Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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