I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
