Someone shit on the floor
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
