Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
