You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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