My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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