i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
