You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
