I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
