I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
