well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We are all done wearing pants today
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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