Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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